I do not like pokey things.

"Well that was an experience," I said when the doctor said he was all done. Everyone in the room, the radiologist, the doctor, the intern, and my hubby all laughed as they tidied me up and put a teeny round band aid on the puncture. I actually feel slightly ripped off that I don't have more of a battle wound... it was a lot of fear and anxiety to only walk away with such a wee mark. I feel slightly better that TK was in the room, because a) he was very strong and comforting and asked questions that I would have forgot, and b) he can attest to the fact that yes, they stuck a 5-inch needle in my spine (L5 joint, for you medical types out there) in order to bathe the nerve roots with a steroid concoction that could, within the space of 1-2 weeks start to show me some real improvement in my left leg and foot. Here's hoping, cause it wasn't the kind of thing that I would just do for kicks! Unless that it, it helps me be able to do kicks, but that is not what I am getting at. Whatever. You know what I mean.

The other great thing about today was that after he saw my MRI report (before the procedure) he marched into the room and announced that I really should see a surgeon. TK and I laughed, because of course I have had several surgeons turn me down and have been told on more than one occasion that I am not surgical. This doctor laughed and said that I was lucky that I have a good sized spinal canal, because someone with less room in there would be unable to walk and would likely have other severe problems too. TK asked if he could think of any reason that I would not be surgical, and he said none at all other than surgeons in our city aren't getting OR time, so they are turning people down. He suggested trying another city. My GP has tried 2 other doctors for surgical consults, so we'll see how those go, but failing that, maybe we will start to look farther afield.

Back in the saddle...

Well, here I am, folks! Two months off work, lots and lots of rehab, an MRI report that was not shy about the use of the adjective "extremely," and I am somehow doing much better! I am not on any regular medication for pain anymore, just the occasional Advil here and there, and not only am I doing my own grocery shopping (take THAT, bitchy doctor), I can walk for ages. I am going to do my first audition in over a year next month, I am finishing up my script for Robert Mackenzie is Dead for submission to Walterdale's one-acts for next year, I am back at work, I have done sound design for Finster's From Something currently appearing at interPLAY in Ft. Mac, and appearing at the Edmonton Fringe starting next week, I have been at the Folk Festival all weekend, I am doing sound design for 2 more shows before the end of the year. Sound more like me? Definitely feels more like me.

I have spent years trying to separate out and categorize all my interests into different blogs here and there. No more. I am going to re-incorporate blog posts from some of my older blogs into this one, so if you subscribe to this on a feed, I apologize for the mass amount of updates you are going to get over the next little while. I like lots of stuff... that's just who I am. I would prefer to keep everything in one big messy place.

The lowest low so far

I can deal with pain. In fact, I have a pretty high pain threshold. If pain is going to be a part of my daily life from now on, I can cope with that.

I can follow directions. For two months, I have done everything asked of me to further my healing. I have been off work since May 4th. I have stepped away from nearly all other commitments including theatre. Out of the last 53 days, I have only let 2 go by without doing my exercises at least once.

I can be patient. This all started 7 months ago yesterday. I have worked hard to stay as positive as I could, I have focused on how lucky I am to have family and co-workers and friends who care as much as they do, I have celebrated the small successes along the way--and there definitely have been some. I have reminded myself that I am not the only person trying to navigate this system, nor am I more important than any other patient that my doctor or any of my other health practitioners have.

I can understand people when they tell me things. I am not stupid. I am not a child. I research terms I've never heard before. I pick up the lingo. I won't be dazzled, confused, or stumped by a doctor throwing around terms like discogenic or facetogenic.

I can't believe that not being able to stand for longer than ten minutes is my new normal. I can't believe that I will never be able to go for a nice brisk walk. I can't believe that I'll never dance. I can't believe that all the plan I was given from this doctor, this specialist, was "adapt." I didn't know how much hope I had hinged on today-- hope for some validation of the progress I've made, hope for a "next step" of treatment whatever that may be, hope that I will at some point be okay-- until it wasn't there.

Happy Feet!!

I got out of bed this morning, all disheveled and rumpled like usual, and felt pretty good. So I decided to try something. I went up on my toes. I tried both feet together first, and like there was a string attached to my head lifting me up, it worked!! Fully up on the balls of my feet!! Then, hoping for the best, I tried the right foot, and low and behold, it worked too!! Then the left, same thing!! This is exciting because 5 weeks ago today at the Dr appointment when they told me that I needed to be off work for a while, you might have been able to slide a sheet of paper under my heels when I tried to go up on my toes with both feet at once, and individually, they wouldn't move at all. Even just 9 days ago when I was at a check up, both together were a little better, but neither foot would work on its own. At least for today, whatever pressure is on those nerves has calmed down, and I have my calves and feet back. Imagining feeling better is easier today!

Horizontal once again

...and not with sexy results.

I am not sure if it is the increased difficulty of the exercises or what, but I haven't felt too great the last couple of days. The pain is digging down into my legs again, especially the right. All the strength I have regained in my feet has remained consistent though, so that's good. Don't get me wrong, I would rather have neither pain nor weakness, but I prefer the pain. There is something really scary about trying to tell your feet or toes to do something and they just won't move. At least with pain you can still make your body do what you ask it to do, it just hurts like hell. As I said though, I could do without it too.

I am nearly halfway through my time off, and I have to say, my expectations have changed from what I was thinking a month ago. Then, I was thinking either I would be better at the end of 2 months, or not. If I was better--yay. If not, then I would likely stay off work and we would be looking at surgery--if we could get in to see a surgeon, that is. I never really imagined that there would be a potential "half-way" solution. I can see now that I am NOT going to be better by July 6. I have a complicated, painful, and probably chronic injury. What I am hoping for now is to simply be stable enough to be able to go back to work and do my job while we look for whatever the next phase of treatment will be.

I know that surgery presents risks both in terms of the operation itself and down the road, but I simply can't imagine that even if I did ab exercises till I had a twelve pack, that I am going to be able to make this better on my own. I mean, I still can't even swim for goodness sake, and walking for more than 6 minutes makes me feel like my right leg is going to fall off. And how is this normal? How is this acceptable? I have seen our health system work wonders when someone has a definable condition that clearly requires immediate help. But I am realizing that there is this whole catelogue of conditions that have all but been labelled the "suck it up" ailments. Backs, knees, hips, chronic pain of any kind. It won't kill you, so clearly it will make you stronger. TK thinks that this is the government's way of passively aggressively dismantling public health care. You can't ignore cancer patients or heart attacks--that's just cruel. But the 32 yr old who can't participate in all the activities that constitute her LIFE, let's put the screws to her. The 75 yr old who needs a new hip--let's see how long they'll put up with it before they start screaming for an alternative to being told that no ortho in the province is taking on new hip patients. Out of frustration and pain and fear, people will just start looking for places where they can pull out their chequebooks and actually have someone listen to them. The government's underfunding of the system is creating a demand for a second tier of care by forcing closures of ORs, and creating shortages of beds, nurses, and resources. Finally, the health care professionals who are working in the system are quite justifiablly embittered because they spend their days staring down a neverending line of people who are in pain and angry. Oh yeah, and then there's this. Try working under those conditions.

So, in the meantime, I have 5 more weeks to get to the point where I can return to being a productive member of society, even if that means I am still walking with a cane. But without some actual medical help, more than what my family doctor and physiotherapist can offer, how long before I am back here again, flat on my back with a pillow under my knees? Grrr.

Improvement at last!

I am starting to feel better.

Still a LOOOOONG way to go, but I actually feel like I have some strength back in my core, my legs aren't tiring nearly as quickly, and I can start to do some little things around the house again.
Three weeks ago, because of the pain in my back and just general weakness, trying to do some basic crunches on the stability ball made me break out in a cold sweat, and made my physiotherapist look at me with an air of definite concern. Yesterday, I whipped off 60 of those puppies with no problem.

Last weekend, TK and I went to Banff for our "consolation" vacation. We had planned on being in New York from last Friday until today, but we decided to cancel for a variety of reasons, one of which being that my health insurance wouldn't cover me should something have happened while we were in the US because I would have been travelling with a pre-existing condition. And, oh yeah, I couldn't walk--sort of a necessity for NYC. Instead, we spent a lovely 4 days treating ourselves to gourmet dinners and spa time and glorious mountain views. Most exciting to me was the fact that, with a little help from my walking stick, TK's arm, and many rests, I was able to walk the town a little and do a bit of shopping. Truly excellent balm for the soul! I bought new summery shoes because my feet aren't strong enough right now to keep my usual shoes from just slipping off my feet. I needed something with back straps and good support--yet something that would not make me look as old and busted as I occasionally feel. I found 2 pairs of summery shoes that are both fun and practical for my current state. EXCELLENT!! I also went this week to my hairdresser and got 2/3 of my hair cut off and what was left coloured quite blonde... much blonder than my last attempt at blonde. It's pretty fun.

I had a rough week last week. The weather was awful and I was stuck inside, both in my house and in my brain. I hope that I am better company to others than I am to myself when I am alone. I can be maudlin and cruel and bitter when I only have myself to chat with. I am still struggling with the notion that I can't do all the usual things, but last week was particularly bad because I couldn't imagine feeling normal again. This week, I can, so I am doing much better. It is amazing to me that hope rests on the ability to walk 6 minutes on a treadmill and some crunches, but right now, that is the way of things!